Midwestern Yip-Yap

So I spent some time yesterday watching "Married to the Eiffel Tower" about women who identify as objectum sexuals. I find this kind of thing psychologically and sociologically fascinating, in addition to generally appreciating the freak show value. I think having a kid has softened me up, because I was finding myself sympathizing a bit with the two women featured: one had Asperger's and developmental issues, the other had been molested and moved around to multiple foster homes. This sympathy wore off as quickly as it appeared, though, when one of them was shown "exchanging energy" (presumably without panties) with a public building.

My favorite so far was the one about people buying uber-realistic baby dolls and treating them like they're actual living babies. One woman, who otherwise seemed pretty sweet and together, had helped raise her grandson while her daughter went through cancer treatment; said daughter and grandson then moved halfway around the planet, and the grandmother really missed the connection with the baby. When she showed her new "baby" via webcam to the child it was supposed to resemble (now age 4), he pretty much summed things up, as children are wont to do: "It's a doll, you numb nuts!" 

Friday night I found a mouse, drowned in a bottle of canola oil, under my kitchen sink. I have no idea where mice get into the house (actually there may be a small hole under said sink, but I'm not sure where it leads to), but I know that we've had at least two or three in the past 5 years that the cats have taken care of. Suffice to say, this one took care of itself. I'm still trying to imagine just what must have taken place---how it got in, shimmied up the side of the bottle, got the cap off, slipped and then offed itself. Larger bottles of cooking oil are the only "food" that we keep in that location, so I guess the poor thing was pretty desperate.

I was getting ready to shop for a few things for the week, needed oil for one of the recipes, so I went in there to check what we had on hand. I noticed that the cap was off, so I picked up the bottle, and as I was moving it I noticed something brown in the bottom. At first I thought it was catching the reflection of the cabinets, then maybe that it was some sort of strange residue, but then I moved the bottle up to eye level, and that's when things came into focus. Mainly, two little eyes.

Fast forward to last night, and my first ER visit, for something that turned out to be pretty absurd as well. We had just read a book to the baby and were laying in bed talking, settling in for the evening, when all of a sudden my hearing started fading and my vision started blurring. Tom was talking, and it was getting harder to hear him. I told him what was happening and sat up, figuring it was some sort of head rush or something, but it didn't go away. I got up, and things continued. After a couple of minutes, I started getting numb and tingly on my left side: my arm, my leg, a little bit in my face. My first (and pretty much only) thought was that I was having a stroke. So I called the doctor.

I got the exchange, and I told the doctor what was happening. She said that it was probably nothing but that the somethings it could be were pretty worrisome so I should get it checked out. We dropped the baby with my mom and dad (this was about 11:45 at night) and headed to the hospital. On the way out of the house, I was staggering a bit, and the head stuff kept coming in waves. On the way to the ER, my vision was really blurry. I was getting pretty worried.

I started thinking of all the things I would want Tom to tell the baby, all the things I wanted to tell Tom, but still tried to keep my head together. I felt really sort of OK under this weirdness, but something was happening, and it didn't seem to be stopping.

Luckily it was a slow night in the ER, so we got right in. Urine, blood, an EKG, a CAT scan. The numbness and tingling would go away for a few minutes but then come back. Same with the head pressure/hearing and vision issues. I asked Tom what we would do if I had a brain tumor. But, over time, waiting in the room, all of these things were fading, lessening, still coming in waves but to a lesser degree and less frequently.

And then the doctor came in. And he told me that, in essence, the left side of my body had fallen asleep. Just like when you sit on your foot. That I'd likely managed to pinch my carotid by laying however I had been in bed, and it was just taking a while for everything to work itself back out. I felt like such a chump.

But at the same time, while everything was happening and not seeming to get any better, I felt really fragile, like something was going really wrong and there was nothing I could do about it. And, really, it could have been. So I am lucky, for now. But I also know that, at some point, if I don't watch my step, I may well find myself shimmying into an oil bottle of my own.

I know that part of the reason I did jump into action with this is that little girl. I was sincerely scared that something was going wrong with my brain, that it could be something really serious, that I needed to try to stop what was happening so that I could continue to be here for her. And for a million other reasons, but she's certainly far and away at the top of the list these days. Apparently everything is passing through the lens of being a mother now, but I think that's probably a good thing.

I'm not sure that there's really much more to be said here, just that the weekend's events served to remind me, yet again, that I need to start being more deliberate in my choices and that, as cliche as it may be, every moment counts.

We're going on 3 days sans Internet access at the house, which is a stone drag. Today I really needed to get some editing work sent back to the project manager. First I hung out at a coffeehouse/cafe, but the neighborhood it was in seems to discourage you from spending any time there by limiting parking practically everywhere to 2 hours, so now I'm at the public library. It's actually really nice here, peaceful and private (how shocking for a library!), and I'm getting more used to the laptop, maybe I could get into this...

The Margaret Cho show last week was brilliant, per usual. The main thing I remember is her saying that you should never let anyone take a picture of your vagina (a la Britney and Paris)---"it steals your soul." Yay! But just good and crass and honest and hilarious and real, good good times. Thanks, Lisa!

(A bit of an update... I've been here for 3 hours now. About 45 minutes ago, I asked one of the workers to please keep an eye on my laptop while I visited the ladies'... Her response was wildly unpleasant and trucker-like in its sound, even  though she'd been restocking shelves right in front of me for about 20 minutes at that point. I told her to forget it, and she was like no, it's OK. There's been nobody around here all day, I just thought she could kind of pay attention out of the corner of her eye if anyone started rooting through my crap. Anyway, my point is, it's a good half an hour since I went to the toity, and she's still within eye shot. Thanks for your help, cranky library lady!)

Well, I see that I haven't updated this in over a year. Delightful. I've used LJ occasionally, mostly just to grouse, but I've really never liked it, I mostly used it as a way to connect with a couple of friends that seem to use it a lot. But I'm hearing rumblings that they're going to start charging for it, which I cannot abide, and I continue to have this feeling that I really want to blog, even if it's for no one's entertainment but my own...

Maybe I just need to contract with myself to do this for 10 minutes a day, no matter what? Maybe just a couple of times a week to start with, and see where it goes? I feel like life is flying by and that I'm going to lose track of what happened when and what I was feeling about it, and I really don't want that to happen. Do these thoughts necessarily have to be in a public forum? Of course not, but this seems to be the easiest way to rifle through them at a a later date, and I also really dig the idea of bringing in info about books and movies and whatever else I'm interested in at the time. So, let's give it a go, shall we?

First off, the big thing that I haven't spent all that much time reflecting on (because I've been too busy reading up on how to deal with it and prepare for it) is that I'm pregnant, due at the end of August. I'm still shocked and amazed, really. Took us about a year of not trying not to be, and then suddenly I find we're almost halfway to welcoming our daughter to the planet. I'm really excited about becoming a mother, particularly and primarily because I'm doing it with someone who's going to be an incredible father. It's been a really emotional time---all good ones, just a lot of them. The pregnancy has been pretty uneventful thus far, but the big event is not all that far off. There's still a lot of preparing to do, but it's all being done with love and anticipation. I don't know, I can't get all my feelings about this organized just yet, so maybe that's something I can focus on trying to do in the next few weeks. Not that it matters if I do or not, time just keeps on coming...

Work remains sort of a sticking point. The cake decorating job has been fun but has also involved a fair amount of disappointment, none of which is really worth getting into because it's almost over anyway, because, in combination with the pregnancy, it's wearing me out really quickly, and it's just really not all that worth it, at least not for what it's turned out to be. I've met a few cool people and learned a little bit, and I still think there's a lot of potential in the field for me, whether I continue at some point to try to do it professionally or just enjoy it as a hobby. The plan from now is to try to freelance edit again, at least for the first couple of years with the kiddo, although maybe to get something going part-time or independently, who knows. I also keep having niggling thoughts about moving to the Philly area, we'll be going up there twice this year for Katy's wedding, so we'll have to see if Tom falls in love with it and then make decisions from there. I'm fine either way, there are pluses and minuses to either scenario, but sometimes a change of scenery and culture is really appealing. Maybe I just need a vacation...

More immediately, I got a total surprise invite from Lisa to see Margaret Cho tonight, for free even! So yay! Also going to see Eddie Izzard in a couple of months, I'm already giddy for that. Such an interest in comedy, is there a way to channel that into something??

Anyway, here are the books I've read/am reading, and the most recent ultrasound images of the little one.

17wksimages

The French Lieutenant's Woman

Mike Nelson's Mind over Matters

Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy

The Mother of All Pregnancy Books: The Ultimate Guide to Conception, Birth, and Everything In Betwee